ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

I don't know what to do. Right, so I completely fucked up during my audition for Theatre Arts. And as a result of that, I only got a maybe, whereas my stupid cousin got a definite yes. She was good, but she wasn't that good. And now I don't even want to do the course because of it. I was fucking humiliated before; this is even worse. It'd be like...I'm just fucking leftovers. I don't like being second picked. Either I fucking do it good enough the first fucking time, or I just don't fucking do it at all.

And why is it that everytime I actually get accepted into a course, or I even get a stupid fucking maybe, my confidence wavers, and I pull out? It's like I have no fucking confidence for anything. It's bullshit. I fucking hate all this. I especially hate school. It's the most stupid piece of bullshit ever. But apparantly you can't do anything without fuckface school. I fucking hate all this. And I'm fucking sick of being called "emo" just because I said that if I get rejected, I'm not applying for another course ever again.

I can't fucking handle rejection. I can't handle humiliation. And being rejected is the ultimate humiliation. But then again, so's being picked as a leftover. Fucking cunts.

Whatever. Acting isn't even my passion. Fuck acting. Writing and music is my passion. But I don't have the fucking skills to get into the music course, do I? And I'd probably just fucking humiliate myself there, too. Fuck this all.

I kind of wish, sort of, that I hadn't watched that movie. It reminds me of when I was with Brendon, and everything I miss about him.

God, I fucking hate people. They're all fat, ugly, stupid cunts.

And here I go again.

I eventually push them all away. I don't know why I do it; I just cut myself off. I even did it to her. And now I'm doing it for her.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm going to end up alone, and bitter; I just know it.

I've been feeling so down lately. And frustrated. Definitely frustrated. I feel unfulfilled. I want to do something with myself, but I'm not sure what.

Mrhm.

We finally broke up. God. This makes me so happy. I feel so much lighter; a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. We're still friends, but nothing more.

I feel almost giddy.

I've written so many things in this darned blog, but I've deleted them everytime, because I look back on them and think, "No, I don't feel like that anymore. God, I sound like a moron. I have to get rid of that."

Em was right. I do bottle things up. I really ought to stop doing it. I'm afraid to let others know how I really feel; yet, at the same time, I secretly like having someone read my thoughts. Someone I don't know (or, rather, someone who isn't very, very close to me). It's why, I think, I keep switching journals/blogs; too many people end up reading my personal thoughts/feelings, and I don't like it.

I have to learn to just leave things after I've written them, no matter how stupid they may sound.